RJ and Katie Cox: February 2010

I'm feeling negative. Sorry in advance. I have some kind of stomach bug and I'm oh so tired of it! I'm in that mode where I can't get out of bed, or I'll be sorry (as in...can't run to the garbage can fast enough). But I'm not tired because I've been in this boring bed a solid two (or is it three. blur.) days. So I sit. And TV is boring. And internet is boring. And I just want to play with my baby and my sweet husband who has catered to my every whim (new throw up bag, heading to the school at 3:3o A.M. not one but two nights in a row to do sub plans after my over-ambitious plans that I'll be fine in the morning).

Serious cabin fever. Serious headache. Ugh.

*More positive posts to come, promise. Including more cute pics of baby.

So...I've been struggling with writing this post for a while...as I think religion is a very private and personal issue. And I think a lot of times it gets a little too social in Utah (and other places too I'm sure, but I have only Utah experience really). But, in the interest of keeping this blog as a journal of sorts and being able to print it someday....here goes.

I grew up without a religion really. I went to church a few times with my grandparents, and was baptized Methodist. It never seemed to be too big of a deal to me. But, as I've gotten older I've struggled with this more. I think life starts to mean more, and more questions come into play. Questions I didn't have an answer to. Basic questions and complex questions. As life got more complicated, making decisions about who I am, decisions about what I'll make of my life, decisions about where I'll go in life and what I think about life events....I was gradually realizing that I needed something more. Something to guide me more than just my own intuition, something to explain the whys of life, something to rely on when things are hard or even when things are good. One of my biggest eye openers has been working with the kids at my school. A lot of them have had such hard lives, with heartbreaking pasts. Seeing this has left me needing something to rely on...and left me wondering if their little lives would be different had their families had more guidance.

My freshman year of college, I went to a local Presbyterian church...but just didn't feel it. Each time I went to an LDS church I was filled with joy, and just felt right. I definitely don't think this happens to everyone, to each their own. But for me, it was undeniable.And I think that's what faith is....not really knowing, but having that feeling. THAT feeling. I had many LDS and non-LDS friends that were wonderful examples and good people. And honestly, I kinda prided myself on being able to say I was one of the few in Utah that are not LDS. Most people would assume that I had deviated from my family...and were surprised to find that no one on either side of my family is LDS. "But you seem LDS to me." so many would say... I find that to be such a funny statement. What makes someone "seem" LDS?! Someone even once said, "But you are so nice and normal!" Ha...even non-LDS people are nice and normal...Crazy?! I think that those are the kind of people that I want to prove that you can be normal and be of ANY religion!

As I've continued to explore, RJ and I made the decision for me to meet with the missionaries. This felt like such a big step to me...it was like finally acknowledging what I've been thinking. The thing is, I feel like if something really bad were to happen in my life, I'd need something to rely on. And it seems awfully selfish to wait until I need it to rely on it. Why not commit to something now, then have it guide my life no matter what's ahead?

As I've become a parent, I've really thought a lot about decisions I'll make in raising my children. Honestly, maybe this is selfish...but why not rely on a church's standards for some help in parenting? When I need to teach my kids core values, it's not just because I said so...it's because we have a set of values that we live by for a bigger purpose than just ourselves.

Speaking of family...What better guidelines and support for your marriage than a religion? And not just the LDS religion....any religion. Marriage is hard. Life is hard. We all need something to rely on, to pull us together and to keep us together when hard things come. Again, maybe selfish, but something bigger for help.

When I had thought about church before, I always got a little hung up on the coffee/alcohol part. I was sort of offended that someone/something would tell me what I can/can't consume. Plus, what if I want a glass of wine with dinner once in a while? Or what if I want a glass of wine when I go out with my friends? And I sure do like my Starbucks on a Monday morning...or Tuesday...or Wednesday....or...anyday. But, now as I think about these things....I have seen alcohol be a factor in a lot of bad, bad situations. Again, life is hard enough. Why add an extra component?! If I want to go out with my friends, it's the company of my friends I want...not the beverage. And honestly, if I falter once in a while and enjoy a Starbucks treat...I don't think that's so bad. Maybe it is, but for me personally, it's ok. Things could be a lot worse.

I struggled a lot with "those Utah Mormons"....cliche comments from people who are judgemental, and really just rude...."but you're so normal.....you seem so nice....non-Mormons are 'bad' " It took me a long time to realize that those comments and thoughts come from people, not their religion. This is a character issue, not a religious issue. I've never really been that type to want to be different...honestly, I think most often I'd rather blend in with the group. But again, I've been concerned about being one of THOSE classic, cliche Mormons. But I promise, I won't put an "R U LDS 2" sticker on my car, start wearing crazy long floral dresses, or become judgmental and say inappropriate, close-minded comments! Because, as we all know, not everyone is this way.

As I've been looking closely at the LDS church, I'm astounded by the philanthropy. I would be honored to be a part of a group that contributes so much to the community...the world. Religion aside, churches have a huge influence when there is a natural disaster (Haiti relief recently), or even just a small scale issue.

I'll be honest here....I don't know if every single morsel of what I have learned is true. And some little details I'll be honest, I just don't agree with. BUT, overall, I feel like this is what truly will be best for me as a person, wife, teacher, friend and mom. So, for my little family, this is what I need to rely on.

I certainly don't think any one thing works for everyone. Again, to each his own. Lives are different, things change, beliefs are different, etc. and that's what makes our world work. But for me, this is working. And I'm really excited about all that is ahead. And I'm so grateful to be given this opportunity.

This might sound silly, and I don't mean to belittle or degrade the religion....but in a way I think, why not?! I mean, we're saying that if I live my life this certain way (which I basically believe people should be living their lives anyway), I'll be healthier physically, and I may get to live with my husband and family forever?! I'll take my chances. Because even if it's not what will happen, I'll still have lived a good life and done my best.

RJ has been so kind and helpful...never once pressuring me in the slightest. And we've been so lucky on both sides of our family. When we got married, I got worried either side of our families would be upset that we were marrying someone of a different religion. But both families have been incredibly accommodating and kind. What could have been an awkward, unfriendly situation has never, ever been that way.

So, all this said....and I don't mean to sound like I need to defend my decision....but I just wanted all my thoughts out....And I wanted to make very very sure of this big decision. Because I certainly don't want to do it on a whim and change my mind down the road. I'm committed.

I'm getting baptized on March 6.
And I'm so incredibly excited to start this new endeavor.

(And holy cow this is the longest post I've ever done.
If you're still with me, bless you!)